Category Archives: Marriage

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The Most Important Thing You Can Give Your Teenage Driver

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It is a scary thing for a parent to have a new driver in the house. My wife and I had four teenage drivers over the years.

She took them out driving and I paid for the insurance and did a few driving lessons myself. For some reason they liked driving with my wife more than myself, especially the girls.  My wife still puts her foot on the floor to brake and puts her hands out to the dash when I get a little close to someone. She never did this until she taught the kids to drive.

One of our friends had a driving contract that they used with their kids. We got a copy of it, adapted it our family values and used it with our four children. I have shared it with other parents with new drivers over the years. You can get a copy here.

Some of the highlights of our driving contract are:

  • A GPA has to maintained on a semester basis based the child’s potential GPA
  • It limits the number of kids in the car
  • No cell phone calls or texting
  • The car must be kept clean
  • The teen has to respect their mom and dad
  • The new driver has to sign and date the contract. They get a copy. Mom and dad keep a copy.

The key to this is that you must stand behind each other as parents and stick to the driving contract. Also remember to check into state laws for how many passengers can be in a new driver’s car when you are revising the contract for your use.

We were lucky and only had one instance the contract was broken.  It was much harder on my wife and I than it was for the teen. In this case the teen disrespected his mom and lost driving privileges for a month. It was a long embarrassing month for the teen. Unfortunately we had to drive them to school and sports practices.

Please share this with parents you know that have new teen drivers.

Be Great!

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How to Protect Your Marriage in Today’s World

30753393_mMy personal experience is from protecting my own marriage. I am by no means in expert in this. I have experience observing coworkers, friends and acquaintances face these challenges. It is extremely sad to see a divorce, especially when children are involved. I will show you things you can do to protect and improve your marriage.  I will also show you some things to avoid.

According to the Austin Institute for The Study of Family and Culture, the divorce rate has hovered between 40 and 50% since the 1970’s. Sixty-six (66) percent of those divorcees who wanted the divorce as much as or more than their spouse listed more than one reason for the divorce, while one in four offered 5 or more reasons. The most-cited reason for wanting a divorce was infidelity by either party at 37%. Pornography accounted for 5%.

Nearly 50% of all divorces start by a man or a woman meeting someone in a work or similar environment and becoming attracted to them. It starts out as a friendship and then the friendship develops into something more. In some cases it remains just a friendship.

In many others, the friendship starts to grow and keeps you excited and hoping to see or talk to that person. You begin to look at them differently. Like all new relationships it is fresh and can be exciting. The other person might even be speaking your love language to you in a way you do not get at home. You start to get attracted to this person more and more and trust builds. Over a period of time there becomes a mutual liking of each other at a deeper level and you start to feel connected intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and start to appreciate your mutual likenesses. You begin to trust this person and start to share intimate information. You may begin to think this person is better than your spouse in ways you appreciate. You talk more frequently by phone, text, social media and seek to find ways to meet in person. At this point you have crossed to the “danger zone” and are headed for much more than being just friends. You are headed for an affair if you are not there already.

Many people think that adultery is when you actually have intimacy with someone other than your spouse. Adultery can also occur in your thoughts and fantasies. If you daydream of having intimacy with someone other than your spouse you are in an adulterous situation.  This is one reason pornography is so dangerous.

So what do you to avoid this happening to you in your marriage? You proactively protect yourself and your marriage. I know that in today’s business world some of the ideas I provide can be very challenging. Strive to do the best you can. Here are some things to do and some things to avoid.

To Do’s

  • Keep date nights every week with your spouse.
  • Create date moments.
  • Learn your love languages. See my blog on this.
  • Take time to talk about each others day without interruptions.
  • Touch base during the day with a text or phone call.
  • Go on getaway weekends.
  • Eat dinner as a family.
  • Spend time together as a family doing fun things.
  • Attend your children or grandchildren’s events together.
  • Men watch your eyes. It is easy to let them wander. That lady you are looking at is somebody else’s wife, girlfriend or daughter.
  • Women I know that you look at men too. Watch your eyes.
  • Attend church together as a family.
  • Pray together. Couples that pray together stay together.
  • Call your spouse nightly or more frequently if you are on business travel.
  • Plan intimacy with frequency.
  • Visit your spouses office so they know who you are.
  • Get an accountability partner if you are struggling in a situation.

To Avoid

  • Meet with someone of the opposite sex in a closed door office if the office does not have windows to the interior. Leave the door open or have someone else in the office if there is no interior window.
  • Go out to lunch or dinner with another man or woman you are not married to alone. Take another man or woman with you.
  • Avoid pornography at all costs. This can be addictive and lead to other problems in a marriage.
  • Avoid drinking to excess. When people drink too much they will do things they would not do when they are in control. I have witnessed situations where married men or women have gotten in situations they should not have been in thought, word or action.
  • Fantasizing about someone while having intimacy with your spouse.
  • Day dream about having intimacy with a person other than your spouse.
  • Saying the name of a person other than your spouse during intimacy
  • Flirting. All men and women do this to a degree. We were built to be attracted to the opposite sex, but these are when it goes too far.
    • Gaze into anothers eyes longer 3 or 4 seconds too long
    • Touch of the hands for a few seconds too long
    • Rub up against the person in a provocative way
    • Put your hand on their shoulder or somewhere else and keep it there
    • Put your arm around the person and leave it there for an extended time
    • Playfully continue to punch on the shoulder or somewhere else as you talk to them
    • A kiss on the cheek that is longer than a peck
    • A kiss on the lips or an open mouthed kiss
  • Tell another man or woman how much better they are than your spouse.
  • Tell someone of the opposite sex that is not your spouse how much you are looking forward to seeing them or spending time together.
  • Tell someone that is not your spouse that you have been dreaming about them.
  • Putting your spouse down in front of others with friends, in public or online in social media.
  • Alienating your spouse by excessively complimenting another person of the opposite sex in front of them or friends.
  • When you are on Business Travel
    • Try not to travel with someone of the opposite sex alone in the car.
    • Stay away from Hotel Bars. Many of these are where people try to “hook up”.
    • Never have someone of the opposite sex in your hotel room alone with you.
    • Avoid the adult TV movies. Ask the hotel to disconnect these if they are a temptation for you.

These are just a few ideas to try to keep your marriage protected. Please add comments with any ideas you use to protect your marriage.

Feel free to share this with someone that you might feel this would benefit.

Be Great!

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Good Questions to Ask to Have Conversations with Your Teens

Great Places to Have Conversations with your teens

Hot Tub Family

A friend of mine told me that when you have teenagers you have to get a hot tub. I asked him why. He said they will talk to you in the hot tub.

So I bought a hot tub and found out that he was absolutely correct. Over the years we have had great conversations in the hot tub. My wife and I have learned about school, their teams, their friends and what was going on in their lives. We talked about religion, politics and lots of sports depending on the season. Now when they come home to visit we spend a little time in the hot tub at night.

The dinner table is another great place to have discussions. It is important to have family dinners. It is a place to discuss how the day went and hear what they learned during the day.

Time in the SUV was another place that my wife and I have had great conversations with the kids. Growing up my kids were involved in a lot of activities and drive time gave us time to talk one on one with them or as a family. It was also interesting to have or listen to conversations when their teammates or friends were in the SUV.

We also had boats as the kids grew up and we would spend weekend time in the boat. Sometimes we would just float and swim off the boat. My wife and I would engage the kids in conversations on a wide variety of topics.

What do these all have in common? They all are confined spaces. Sure they can get up and leave the dinner table or they can get out of the hot tub. It is kind of hard to get out of a moving vehicle or a boat in the middle of the lake. They are also spaces where everyone tends to be relaxed.

Now once you are in one of these places the next question is, what do you ask them? I can tell you that you do not want to ask the question, “How was your day?”. You will get a one word answer and the conversation is over. I know this from experience. Ask questions that require more than a one word response. It is also important that you share about what is going on in your work and life as well.

Here are some good questions.

What did you learn today?
What was the best thing that happened today?
What did you do at practice? This can be for a sport or activity.
What are you going to do this weekend?
Tell me about how it is going at school.
How are your friends? What are they doing this summer? (Ask about them by name so they know you know who their friends are and that you truly care)
What do you want to do when you get out of high school or college? Why?
What do you think of …….?
What is your toughest class in school?
Tell me how your calculus class is going? What are you learning? (Or any other subject)

Always come back to the things you talked about previously so they know you listened and that you are engaged in the conversations.

Be Great!

“If you have thoughts of Christ they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” – Donna Garrett

“The more you give, the more you will receive and have.”

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The Language of Love

Couple holding hands on the beach

“The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.” – Gary Chapman

Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book titled The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. Every couple should know the 5 love languages and which ones are their spouses top 2. It is also important to know the love language of your children as well.

The 5 love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. All of us have a little of each of these love languages, but we all tend to have one or two dominant love languages. Here are some ideas that have been adapted from the book to help show love in each of the languages.

1. Words of Affirmation.

  • If this is your spouse or child’s love language continue to remind yourself that words are important to them
  • Keep track of what words of affirmation you gave each day for a week. Keep yourself accountable
  • Set a goal to give your spouse or child a positive affirmation daily for a month
  • Listen to hear how others give positive statements and write them down or keep them electronically
  • Write a love note or card
  • Compliment your spouse or child in front of their friends
  • Tell your spouse how much you appreciate their strengths or something they have accomplished
  • Tell your children how great their mom or dad is
  • I included children in this one because they need the affirmation, especially your daughters. A father’s affirmation has a huge impact on a young girl’s self confidence and self esteem. Boy’s are tough, but they like to hear positive affirmations from their parents too.

2. Quality Time

  • Take a walk together. Go to a park or a trail
  • Plan a weekly date night and do the things your spouse likes to do
  • Buy tickets to something your spouse enjoys
  • Go on a weekend get away
  • Share your days events with each other
  • Take time to sit down and talk every day
  • Talk about your favorite memories about things you have done and places you have traveled
  • Have date moments

3. Receiving Gifts

  • Fill his or her love tank. Provide a series of gifts in a day.
  • Pick a flower as you are going on a walk and give it to your wife
  • Give a small gift every day for a week
  • Keep a gift idea log written or electronic
  • Record his or her sizes for gift shopping
  • Choose a book and read it together
  • Give a gift to charity in your spouse’s name or honor
  • Take your spouse to his or her favorite restaurant
  • A favorite candy/food or a book works just as well as something expensive

4. Acts of Service

  • Write down all the requests your spouse has requested from you to do around the house and do some of them
  • Give your spouse a love note accompanied with an act of service
  • Do a chore around the house that your spouse does not enjoy
  • Fix something or do a chore that your spouse has complained about. If you don’t have the time or expertise hire someone to do it for you
  • Ask your spouse what they need done around the house

5. Physical Touch

  • Hold your spouses hand
  • Touch your spouse at different times during the day or evening
  • Give your spouse a back or foot rub
  • Give your spouse a shoulder massage
  • Give your spouse a hug and kiss when they get home
  • Hug your spouse, especially in front of your children. It tends to embarrass them, but it also gives them the comfort that you love each other
  • Hold your spouses hand or put your arm around him or her when you are out with friends
  • Enjoy intimacy with your spouse

Take the Five Love Languages profile. There is a profile for husbands and a separate profile for wives. You will receive an email with the ranking of your top 5 Love Languages. This gives you the opportunity to talk to your spouse about what his or her love languages are and will help you to work on them.

Remember that relationships are built more around giving than receiving. Lots of relationships and marriages fall apart because one spouse was a good receiver and did not give much back to the other spouse. Relationships are never 50/50. They can be 100/0 at times, but 100/0 relationships are not built to last.

Learn your spouse’s and children’s love languages and you will be on your way to more fulfilling love relationships.

Please share this with someone you think might get some value.

Be Great!

“It’s not what you think you are that holds you back, it’s what you think you are not.”

 

 

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Time Tested Travel Tips

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I have traveled quite a bit over the last 10 years. There are a few things I have learned to make travel safer and easier.

One of the best decisions I made was to get TSA Precheck. The cost is only $85 and it saves time getting through security at the airport. You get to keep your shoes, belts and jackets on as well. If you travel internationally the Global Entry Program makes re-entering the United States much easier. The cost of Global Entry is $100.

I keep a travel folder in my carry-on bag. The folder is a plastic folder that I print and keep my flight information, rental car reservation and hotel reservations. I also keep a photocopy of my passport in the folder in case I were to lose my passport. It’s always a good idea to leave a copy of your itinerary with someone.

I carry my driver’s license in my wallet and I bring my passport as a backup photo id. I carry the passport in my backpack or briefcase. Inside my passport I keep a credit card and cash in case my wallet is lost or stolen during travel.

When I park at the airport I like to park inside to avoid any potential damage to my vehicle. I live in an area that has hail, snow and ice storms. I take a picture of the sign for the level and area I parked to remember where I parked. There are some airline apps that have a feature to mark where you parked as well.

I do recommend downloading the apps for the airlines you use most frequently. You can get gate info and your boarding pass on the app. If you have an iPhone you can save the boarding pass to your Passbook app.

If you spend a lot of time in airports joining one of the clubs is a good idea. They are a good place to relax and the chairs are very comfortable. Many of them have free snack food and beverages. They have nice bathrooms, some with showers. Most of them have work stations available too. The American Express Centurion Lounges are extremely nice. They are only in New York, Dallas, San Francisco and Las Vegas at this time. These are great for longer layovers.

I travel with a backpack. I have found that by putting the load on both shoulders rather than one is easier on my back. I use a Tumi backpack. I have had it for several years and it has held up well. It has plenty of room with plenty of pockets and I can actually carry two laptops. It has a zippered pouch for the laptop so you don’t have to remove it from the bag at most security check points.

If you are traveling with a companion, check to see how full the flight is when you book it. If the plane has lots of seating available, and has three seat rows, book the two outside seats leaving the middle seat empty. Many times you will have an extra empty seat in the middle giving you extra room.

It works well to carry on bags to save time and not have to worry about losing your bag. I use a 22” Eagle Creek suitcase. I also use the Eagle Creek Pack Bags to hold my shirts, underwear, socks and workout gear.

To make it easier to get your bag on and off the plane put your bag in the overhead across from your seating. It is much easier to get your bag out than to have it above your seat.

I always carry extra power sources and power cords. I keep a portable external battery charger in case I am running low on power on my iPhone or iPad. They work for android devices as well. I like to keep these in a separate bag with all the cords and chargers in my backpack.

When traveling you never know when you are going to have delays and at times you may miss a meal or two. I like to carry two protein bars and some almonds in a plastic bag just in case I am running tight on connections. I also carry Starbucks Via instant coffee packs. They come in quite a few flavors. All you need is hot water and you have some good coffee.

If you are traveling over the weekend plan out the church you are going to attend. There are lots of websites to do this. For my Catholic friends you can find mass times at masstimes.org.

I hope these ideas help you on your next trip.

Be Great!